Nothing To See Here!
Are you listening to the right story or being tricked?
Another MRI in the books, and another “ALL CLEAR!” ❤️ powerup!
If you’re curious, I’m a winner of a brand new MRI every four weeks. This is my new normal and still a change. This monitors everything in my brain. It’s kinda like a monthly diagnostics test to make sure nothing has grown back, changed, or has misbehaved since the last check-up. This is an amazing advantage that I am grateful for and blessed to have a doctor that is aggressive in their approach. I cannot express my gratitude enough for a place like THE Ohio State University James Cancer Center.
When my brain’s revolt happened, I made an agreement with the universe. It was simple. If I make it through, I will use my story to devote my life to helping others wake up to theirs. This agreement can be very difficult for a recovering self-hater, but I feel like I’m getting the hang of it–hopefully!
A lot of us can and often think we are alone, empty, invisible, and unworthy. This is especially true when something comes out of nowhere and knocks our knees out. It’s like a lifetime’s worth of shame and grief comes flooding back. This time it isn’t in waves, it’s all at one giant and overwhelming tsunami. This can trigger a phrase similar to, “I’m not [fill in your favorite self-doubt phrase] and I deserve this.”
What a load of crap!
For me, it’s imposter syndrome. Sometimes, I felt like I didn’t deserve good things, but all the bad things, yeah, I deserved all of those. Why? Because I would tell myself I wasn’t a good person. The nuttiest thing about all this is that I know I AM a good person. Why this lives in my head is a much longer story and has taken years of therapy to unravel.
However, if you’re a person who can relate to this–yes, there is hope! Don’t give up on yourself, you are worth it! Remember, it’s a step-by-step process NOT mile by mile. It took time for all this to build up in you. It will take time to undo. ❤️ powerup!
I am getting so much better at being aware of when I am in this mode. What does it take? Practice and awareness are the obvious answer, but it really is the willingness to take action. Learning to call yourself out on the bullshit you’re telling yourself is hard. After all, aren’t you supposed to be on your own side? I believe we can be our own worst enemy and it’s dangerous. Why? Because it is hurting you and that isn’t what you’re here to do.
Do you ever tell yourself a false narrative? Like how everything is going wrong when it’s really not. Maybe you just know “X” has happened when it never has. Or perhaps you played out a whole interaction in your head before it has ever happened. You’re so convinced you have it right, only for it to come nowhere near how it actually happens. If so, then you know what it’s like the day of and until knowing the MRI results. Instead of it being someone cutting you off or their crappy Facebook post, it’s your mortality. Yeah, it sucks!
Maybe this will help you. In our house we’ve named ours, literally. So when we are in a spiral we can literally tell ourselves, “Shut up, [enter name]! You’re so full of [enter your favorite phrase]!” ❤️ powerup!
Since my first round of chemo, my blood work numbers have been down. It’s been 6 weeks. I’m supposed to be starting month three of chemo. Not stuck at month one. So of course the story I tell myself isn’t good. Use your imagination, it’s not a good story.
So when the doctor walks in the door like they are about to order ice cream says, “Your scan looks fantastic!” My heart stops, my story shatters, and I realize I deserve good things. And for now, that voice in my head shuts up.
Live More. Love More. Wonder More!
Thank you for the continued good vibes! ❤️🙏❤️
A lot of us can and often think we are alone, empty, invisible, and unworthy. This is especially true when something comes out of nowhere and knocks our knees out. ❤️ Live More. Love More. Wonder More!